Aaron Rodgers is the bane of many sportswriters’ existence today. Incredibly stupid story after incredibly stupid anecdote leaked out, and we were left running after him like he was a dog with IBS – smooth dumps and all. Reasonable human beings have switched to the approach of “Just tell me when it gets traded”, and I could no longer subscribe to that point of view. If only we at Deadspin could be so lucky to break free Green Bay qquarterback and his constant existential collapse.
Let’s say – and this is purely hypothetical – which we just stopped covering Rodgers. Figuring out how to make up for the loss in traffic would be difficult, but I’m confident we could Moneyball our way of making up the difference via slideshows, scott hatteberg and other loopholes. Obviously, it would be difficult to cover Nozzles if we went through with it, it’s still the frickin’ Jets, so it wasn’t a deal breaker.
Of course, my editors balked and balked after initially refusing to even entertain the possibility. Lo and behold, months later, they relented, and I only begged within an inch of my job 73 times.
So, without further ado, it gives me great pleasure to announce to you, the internet, that Deadspin has suspended coverage of Rodgers. That’s right AA-Ron, screw you. You’re not interesting, neither are you Pat McAfeeand finally, we can make better use of our working days instead of regurgitating 200 words each time Rogers gets indigestion.
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Yes, this is absolutely an internet trick. There are bits of journalistic integrity in it, but the core of what we do is taken from Rodgers’ book. And that, when in doubt, is to come up with unyielding, unapologetic ploys for attention. And what better way to do that than to ride off the fumes of the most obnoxious, visible athlete/story right now?
We are not ESPN or The Athletic, and as a result, our commitment to film may be greater than our commitment to covering Rodgers. Could this turn into a quarterly dodge with occasional rejection-rejection headlines so the big stories can “do their job” but be assholes about it? Yes, that is probably what will happen. Ideally, we can hold off on breaking the seal as long as possible, or at least until the threat of termination turns into a promise of termination.
The best way to relieve an egomaniac is to kick him. It’s an Amish technique. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday because I didn’t save the excess oil from the can of tuna. And look how I turned out. Yes, I’m a bit self-absorbed, but at least I have some semblance of self-awareness.
Speaking of which, my self-aggrandizement alarm has been going off for the last few paragraphs, so I’ll end with this. Do you see that, Rodgers? Less is more – and we hope what we don’t say about number 12 speaks volumes as it relates to how much ink this jerk deserves.