Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where everything is for naught and we’re just random blips of electrified flesh stuck to the surface of rock in an indifferent universe. Fuck you.
What is a sports family if not a modern monarchy? One family member makes a name for himself, and their sons, grandsons, brothers, sisters, daughters, and even nephews are raised to a higher level of consciousness. The brothers Kelce they’re not even the sons of Olympic athletes, and it’s a good thing if I never read another headline about brotherly love for the rest of my life.
Look, Mom, the brothers are playing each other in the Super Bowl
It’s really hard to take the charisma out of Travis and his brother, but every news outlet, sports or otherwise, makes it hard to care. It’s not improbable that I have to know their parents’ names or clap like a happy monkey while reading non-stop broadsides.
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Should I worry about an offensive lineman because he’s related to the best tight end receiver in the NFL? I’m sorry, I thought this was America. We didn’t fight a revolutionary war just to watch hierarchies rise again.
We must overthrow the Manning family, or at least force them to skip a generation. Arch, your scholarship is revoked and your playing career is over. Prepare to be a banker or a scavenger because the Mannings’ reign at the top of ESPN’s newsfeed is over.
look at Christian McCaffrey. Should the pro wide receiver’s son have been in the NFL, too? Do you know who could use the help of a male child? Steelmen of America or whoever is in charge of digging the ditch. I’m told Luke McCaffrey is going to be Nebraska’s next Heisman quarterback, and he’s a piece of shit. He’s not even a good receiver in college at Rice.
I bet this is how the English felt under King Henry XIII. This is your new leader, and his only qualification is his last name. Screw it all.
Idol worship begins with the last name
New rule: If you are not better than the athlete who made you famous, you have to change your last name. Sorry, Sterling, you have to drop Sharpe because Shannon. Hey Cole Anthony, your new NBA name is Cole Jones.
I’m not sure what happens when a son outshines his father Steph Curry and Dell. Maybe Dell and Seth need to take their wives’ last names. Wait, that won’t work. Seth is married to Doc Rivers’ daughter and I don’t think he’s good enough to use that name either.
Perhaps adopting Brazil’s one-name method is a workaround. Pele does not have a surname, so we do not easily know his children.
From now on, there will be no more of that nepotism. Guys will have to earn it like Russell Crowe Gladiator. You want fame? Kill the freaking tiger before you bleed out from the knife wound, then take down the emperor in front of a Colosseum full of people who want to see you killed horribly for fun.
The offspring of professional athletes are born not only with a silver spoon, but also with golden genes. (OK, that’s not always the case, but for the sake of this column, it’s gospel.) Bronny James didn’t get all of his dad’s 6-foot-10, but he’s still tall and athletic enough to get a full ride to college on his own. choice.
End the hegemony. Stop elevating people because of their last name. Am I the only one who remembers Marcus Vick? Haven’t we heard enough Jackson Mahomes or at Andy Reid’s children? Think first before you place yourself in the family tree of sports royalty.
A name is only as important as you want it to be, and nothing matters to the Sports Nihilist.